The Govindaness Epidemic
What is this Govinda Disease?
Govindaness is a disturbing health condition that is hitting the South Asian male population rapidly.
It is a sick sick disease which has been known to cause rapid weight gain, sudden heart failure,
loss of eye sight, and the cut off of circulation in the gluteal area of the body.
What are the symptoms of Govindaness?
The symptoms of Govindaness are rather broad, and thus very frightening. Some of the more common
symptoms to watch for include:
Sometimes uncontrolled urination is also a sign, but this tends to be a side effect caused
by a lack of blood flow in the midsection region of the body. This is just speculation, however.
- sudden tightening of your pants, especially in the thigh and buttock region
- a sudden increase in both nipple and overall breast size, and the desire to accentuate them with tight T-shirts or banyaans
- shortness of breath and heavy breathing after minor physical activity
- increased confidence in one's appearance, despite these physical abnormalities
What is the connection to Govinda the actor?
The first known case of the disease appeared in Punjab, India in 1977, attacking a man
by the name of Govinda Ahuja (hence the name of the disease). Before this time there is
no documented case of anyone experiencing the signs and symptoms of Govindaness. Medical
practitioners can only speculate on the origins of the disease, but current theories suggest
some connection between Govindaness and the increased consumption of masala and vegetable oil
in the Indian subcontinent.
Further, the rapid proliferation of the disease has been linked to the strangely popular Bollywood
films that Govinda Ahuja has starred in. In such films, Govinda is portrayed in heroic roles alongside
superstar Bollywood actresses, wearing extremely tight pants and t-shirts that accentuate Govinda's
unappealing and humiliating physique.
From a scientific standpoint, however, Govinda's films act as a fantastic resource which depict
and document all of the stages of the disease right from the initial onset up to the most critical
state. The scientific community thus owes a certain amount of gratitude to Govinda
himself since his movies provide a library of data which can be studied in detail in order to
help scientists discover the causes of this debilitating disease.
Govinda Ahuja - first known victim.
How severe is this Govinda Disease?
There are 3 stages of Govindaness severity, ranging from minor to critical, as follows:
Stage I: Psychological Govindaness
This is the first sign of the onset of Govindaness. The disease has infected the individual,
but it is first attacking the victim's mind, not the body. The main symptom of this disease
is a desire to wear tight clothing, specifically tight pants that accentuate the buttocks and
crotch area. Early Govinda films document the onset of this stage of the disease quite well.
The following images show victims of Stage I Govindaness:
Stage II: Moderate Govindaness
This stage is signified by the beginning of physical changes in the body, mainly in the
midsection region of the body. Also, the tight-fitting pant obsession continues, but at
a more severe level. Additionally, the victim begins to feel at ease with his
new appearance. Many Govinda films from the mid 1990's document this stage of the disease.
The following images depict Stage II Govindaness victims:
Stage III: Acute Govindaness
This is the most severe stage of Govindaness, and usually consists of an unproportionally large midsection,
extremely tight-fit clothing (both pants and shirts), large neck and breasts, heavy breathing, and lack
of mobility. Additionally, Stage III victims usually deny requiring any medical attention, and usually
appear very confident in their overall physical appearance. The most recent Govinda films demonstrate this
most sad stage of the disease.
Note that one must be careful not to confuse Stage III Govindaness with general obesity. There is a clear
distinction between these two conditions.
The following images depict individuals at this most sad and critical stage of Govindaness:
How can I protect myself from this horrific condition?
Since this is such a new and rapidly spreading disease, there is no clear preventive measure
to protect one from this sickness. However, diet appears to play a significant role, and the
following instigators have been identified recently:
South Asian Foods
- Deep-fried paranthas laced with desi ghee and dipped in achar
- Butter chicken and/or malai kofta
Recent studies have also shown that consuming any of the above foods while simultaneously
watching a full Bollywood Govinda movie from start to end, in one sitting, can accelerate
the effects of this disturbing condition.
- Pizza Hut deep-dish pan pizzas
- McCain Deep and Delicious cakes
- Jumbo size bags of Dorito's Tandoori Sizzler tortilla chips